Hi! I've completely re-written this part, the first draft was just a lot of nothing, really. Please comment, and tell me how to improve!
Fero - Fear-Oh
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Mositas awoke by the sound of the innkeeper banging on the door.
"Get up!" She awoke with a start, and sat up.
"Get up!" Slowly, she stretched out her arms and groaned, and then got off the bed, revealing the lumpy mattress.
"GET UP!" She stiffly made her way to the door, and pulled it open just as the innkeeper was going to bang again.
"At last. Your bloody breakfast's downstairs," and before Mositas could say a word, he turned on his heels and made his way down the stairs. 'Well,' Mositas thought, 'what a nerve.' She turned back into her room, and quietly went over to the window. She could just see the road through the grime, and the day looked grey and gloomy. She had no need to get dressed as, not trusting to the contents of the mattress, she had slept in her travelling clothes. She merely lifted her cloak off the back of a chair, swung it over her shoulders, and followed the innkeeper downstairs.
On the ground floor, she noticed a plate of raw bacon and uncooked egg on the counter. Knowing the reason behind the uncooked food, yet still not wishing to eat it, she simply sat down at the same table from the previous night, and took the letter from her cloak. She looked at the seal again: a large 'F' circled by a serpent. She broke the seal, unrolled the scroll and sat back to read. The further she read, the more she frowned. Finally, she finished, and looked up, her eyes glassy. She then read through the letter again, taking in every single word on the paper:
3rd October 439 E.Y.
Dear Mositas,
I hope this message reaches you, the person I am giving this to seems rather nervous, but harmless. I am afraid I have some bad news. I cannot say here, unless this gets intercepted. I can only tell you that it has something to do with the Empire, and that we have a task to complete.
All I ask is that you meet me in Letuma. I will find you there. If you have not arrived by the 10th October, I will leave for the task by myself.
Please hurry,
Fero
"Hmm," said Mositas to herself. "I suppose I had better find out where this Letuma place is." Her face had not lost the frown, and she stood up and made her way over to the counter. She banged on the surface, and waited. After about five minutes, the innkeeper arrived.
"Yeh? What is it?" he snapped. He looked at the uneaten plate of food. "Our breakfasts not good enough for y', eh? Well, don't you worry, we'll be takin' it back then." He whipped the plate of the counter. "Y' think yer all so special, you travellers. 'Spectin warm meals an' evr'ythin'. Well, we ain't got time for folks like you round 'ere, our lives are 'ard enough as it is." Mositas gave him a disdainful look, and replied calmly.
"I am fully aware of the state of this region, and I have full sympathy for you. However, I am not going to complain about your food, I simply wish to know how to get to Letuma." She looked expectantly at the innkeeper, and waited for a reply.
"Letuma? That's where the Governor lives, tha' is. What d' y' wanna go there for?" He raised an inquiring eyebrow.
"That," she replied, "is my business. Now, please may you tell me how to get there."
"Alright, but I'm warnin' y', y' won't like it there. The Governor's made it even worse in that city than out 'ere."
"Nevertheless, that is where I need to go."
"Fine. Y' just carry on Northwards up the road from 'ere, until y' get to a fork in the road. Y' take the left turnin', and keep straight on. There's an inn along that road somewhere where y'll 'ave to stay the night. If y' walk without stoppin from 'ere, y' should get to that inn by nightfall. I don't know any more directions from there, but y' should be able to get some 'elp from the innkeeper there."
"Thank you. And here," she dropped a few coins on the counter, "for the breakfast." And with that she made her way out of the door, closing it behind her.
The day was overcast, but the rain was holding off. She continued on her journey up the road, until she came to the fork. She took the left turning, and carried on. There were no birds singing. The ash trees leaned over the path, swaying in the chill wind that had started to blow.
"Curse this weather," she muttered to herself, and put up her hood. The sun was sinking low on the horizon, and still there was no inn in sight.
Suddenly, she heard galloping hooves, coming up the road from behind her. She turned, but saw nothing. The hooves died out into nothing, and she continued on her way. 'I don't like this,' she thought. She quickened her pace. Then, she heard the hooves again. They were louder this time, and as she turned to look behind her, she looked upon a sight that sent a chill down her spine.
Five horsemen were tearing up the road. Their swords were drawn, stained crimson, and could be seen in the dying rays of the sun. The leader was holding something high in the air.
Before they got close, Mositas jumped behind one of the trees at the side of the road, and peered round the mossy trunk. As the horsemen came closer, they slowed down, until eventually they were trotting up the road. Mositas could see them clearly. They wore white. White tunics, with flowing white cloaks - at least, they would have been white, had it not been for the blood spattered all over them. Their legs were armoured, as were their arms. They wore no helmets, and their tunics had a 'V' imprinted on them, circled seven times. 'The sign of the Empire,' thought Mositas.
And then Mositas caught a glimpse of what the leader was holding, and she put her hand to her mouth in shock. She got a nauseous feeling in her stomach, and very nearly retched. In the leader's hand was the head of the innkeeper. The men were laughing and joking.
Just as they were passing her hiding place, one of the men cried "HALT!" They were silent for a moment, until another man asked,
"Why the sudden halt?"
"I swear I heard something. It sounded like breathing. It comes from the trees," the first man replied.
"Breathing?" asked a third. "Why, I'd say you had a little more ale than was good for you at that inn. There is no breathing here."
"But, I swear - "
"Enough of this!" said the leader, and his voice rose above the others. "We have no time to stand here contemplating breathing. We must make haste. Now, ride, men!" And he spurred his horse into a gallop, the others soon following. Mositas crept out from behind the tree just in time to see them hurtle over the horizon, into the blood red of the setting sun.
She sighed in relief, and then the horror of what she had seen came back to her, and she vomited on the side of the road. She wiped her mouth, taking in deep breaths, recovering, and stood up straight. After a while, she regained calmness. 'I must keep moving,' she thought, and she continued shakily along the road. Still, there was no sign of the inn, and now the night was thick around her.
Finally, and to her intense relief, she saw the inn at the side of the road. She smiled into the night air, but then realised something was wrong. She could smell smoke. She cautiously made her way towards the building, until the sound of crackling could be heard. And then she saw the flames. The inn was alight, too far gone to save. She stopped in front of the building, her head downwards, as she could not bear to look at the sight before her. As she looked at the floor, she took in the sight of hoof marks. The building collapsed on itself, and she heard a blood-curdling scream of a dying woman.
Mositas looked up, and noticed a flag before her, stuck into the ground. The wind blew it up, and the design could be seen clearly in the light of the flames: a 'V' circled seven times. She closed her eyes as a single tear trickled down her cheek.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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I agree that the opening is a little cliche. But what isnt nowadays? Still i liked this, of course it could use some work, like your descriptions could use a little more...description?
"She sighed in relief, and then the horror of what she had seen came back to her, and she vomited on the side of the road. She wiped her mouth, and stood up straight. 'I must keep moving,' she thought, and she continued along the road. Still, there was no sign of the inn, and now the night was thick around her. "
I thought this could use some more work, maybe she would have more reaction to the fact that she just vomited rather than standing up straight away and moving on.
Aside from this i like your writing, and i would like to see you post some more!
Miyaviloves
The first thing I notice is this:
Ive read this type of scene start way too many times, its cliche. My advice is to scrap it and write a more original beginning.
The whole things seems a little slow starting. I skimmed until this bit:
I liked this description here. However instead of "something" add a little description, like a "glinting" or "shimmering".
Nice ending by the way.
Continue, this may have potential.